Weary

wea·ry
   /ˈwɪəri/ [weer-ee]
1.
physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain.
2.
characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey.
3.
impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses.

Yes, I am these things. I am physically and mentally exhausted from my jobs, not just the coffee shop, but the housecleaning, taking care of our own house and laundry and grocery shopping. I am fatigued by hard work, exertion, strain... and mostly stress. I am weary to be around for others, because my mind is a constant loop of the same thought processes -- when will things get better, when will I have a baby, when will life start to look up, when will bad things stop happening to me, why do the cars keep falling apart.

I am impatient and dissatisfied with life. I am weary of it.

I am weary.

I am burdened.

Aren't we all?

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -- Matthew 11:28.

I spend most of my time, most of my life, trying to improve things. I try to improve relations between my family members, and I fail at it. I try to improve our financial peace, and sometimes that works, but mostly it's one step forward and two steps back. I try to improve our quality of life and health by buying a better stock of food for the house, and people just go to McDonald's. I try to improve my level of positivity and something else just drags me down. I try to improve my capacity for tolerance but, when it comes right down to it, I'm weak and selfish just like every other human being on the planet. I can't do it. I want what I want, and though I can live with not having it most of the time, I sure want it some of the time or I'm not satisfied, and I get cranky, and I snap at other people, and I mope. Like a twelve year old who is grounded, I mope.

It's as though I'm hardwired to think that I can fix things. I can improve things. I have the power and ability to change everything. And all of that might be true, if I take out the "I" and replace it with "God". Scratch that -- it's completely true. Not 'might be'. IS.

God can fix things. God can improve things. God has the power and ability to change everything.

So what makes me think that I have to do it?

Because I'm human, and stubborn, and I live in a perpetual state of want. I want things I can't have. I want things I don't deserve. I want things I'm not ready for. And I stomp and I pout and I cry, and I still don't get them, so I mope.

What a sad, sad existence, no?

I have to take a breath. I have to fall into that soft bed of down once in awhile, where I stop running around on my little hamster wheel and let God be God. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." He doesn't say He 'might'. He doesn't say 'some' of you. He doesn't say 'If I, in my Infinite Wisdom, feel like it'. He says 'all of you', and He says 'I will'. It's a promise.

The only choice I have to make is whether or not to let Him.

Stephanie Jean