Living the Dream

It's my first thought whenever someone asks me "How's it going?" or "What's up?" A lot of times I actually answer, "Living the dream." As though the dream is to be struggling to make ends meet, slinging espresso and cleaning toilets to pay the mortgage, working at a job where I'm getting fewer hours by the week and sales are the lowest I can remember them. As though the dream is to be demeaned by people on a daily basis, almost to the point where I feel like giving up. Strike that -- TO the point where I feel like giving up.

What is "the dream", really? For me, it's being able to work from home, to make a living with my writing, to have and raise a baby or two, to be out of debt and comfortable enough to stop struggling and have more than just my head above water. These are the things for which I strive.

What banal expectations. Is my standard of living so poor that something this simple could seem so out of reach that I have to call it "the dream"? Have I so little faith in the abilities God gave me? Have I so little faith in God?

What's His dream for me? Really, that's the question. It's not even a dream, it's His plan. My destiny. I should awaken each morning with fresh hope that perhaps today is going to be the day my path is revealed to me. After searching, hoping, praying every day, this could be the moment it all comes to fruition. Not just getting out of debt, but prospering enough to be able to help others get out of their debt. Not just having my head above water, but wearing the lifeguard uniform and dragging others away from drowning.

When I say "living the dream" right now, it's sarcastic and off-handed (one of my many flaws) -- but what if I really meant that when I said it? What if, when it came out of my mouth, it really meant "abiding in the destiny that God has for me at this moment until His next goal for me becomes apparent"? What if it meant, "I have enough faith in Him to know that I'm not going to be right here, doing exactly this, forever? I'm meant for more, and He's going to lead me to that, and my job is to listen and learn and follow"?

I'm fully aware that, to talk to me in person, you probably wouldn't assume that I'm the writer of these overly optimistic views. I don't think that makes me a hypocrite, because I've never claimed to be anything or anyone good, or spiritual, or wise. I only claim what I am: a fellow sojourner and student. I'm trying. I'm going to fail so many times I can't even begin to fathom the counting. But I'm trying.

My hope for the Journey this year is that others will try, too.

Stephanie Jean