Closer to the Beginning

Each day that progresses at work seems to be closer and closer to the end of an era. I've been there for five and a half years, and the sales are the worst they've ever been right now, whether it's the economy, the weather, the construction, the Christmas season, or the randomness of the gods of schadenfraude. I'm meant to be doing something else. It was clear when it began that this was where I was supposed to be. And, I feel just as clearly now, this is no longer where I am supposed to be.

I had the privilege of attending the Broadway Tour of Beauty and the Beast today at the Morris Civic Auditorium. It was very well done. There were a few songs that, if they were in the Disney movie, I don't remember it -- and one in particular touched me. The words were:

"There's been a change in me
A kind of moving on
Though what I used to be
I still depend on
For now I realize
That good can come from bad
That may not make me wise
But oh, it makes me glad

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams
But I don't mind
For now I love the world I see
No change of heart; a change in me.

For in my dark despair
I slowly understood
My perfect world out there
Had disappeared for good
But in its place I feel
A truer life begin
And it's so good and real
It must come from within

And I-- I never thought I'd leave behind
My childhood dreams but I don't mind
I'm where and who I want to be
No change of heart'
A change in me."

I feel like I'm closer to the beginning of something than I am the end of it. For years, my every thought was of making it big: whether it was a bestselling novel, a singing contract, a place on Broadway, a role in a movie. Perhaps it's the age I've come to, or the experiences I've had, but I find that I've left behind my childhood dreams. It doesn't mean that I don't still think of them from time to time, but I haven't set my whole heart upon them as if they were fact. I didn't have a change of heart. I didn't change my mind and decide that I want to be a wife and mother instead. I changed. It was a change in me.

Lately, I've felt that I want nothing more than to be at home, taking care of my husband, the kids, the house, the dogs, the organizational things that need to be done, and I feel like maybe that's where God's putting me. If I lose my job, it's because something better -- the beginning of something wonderful -- is on its way. I don't feel that God closes doors to open windows. I feel that He closes a door because it's time to turn around.

I'm still writing. If I'm meant to do great things with that, it will happen. It's not going to fall into my lap as I once thought it would when I was a child. But after writing, working, cleaning houses, taking care of the home, acting, directing, and trying to get us out of debt, I'm stretched like a rubber band between two football posts. If I'm losing hours at work (which I am), and things just keep getting worse (which they do), then I have to believe that's a door in the middle of closing, and it's time for me to turn around.

I have to have more confidence in myself and the abilities God gave me but, more importantly, I have to have more faith in Him to fulfill His promises. It's one thing to say I believe and I trust, but it's another thing entirely when it gets to the point where I am only living on faith. I have a feeling that's where He's taking me, taking our whole family.

I'm ready.

Stephanie Jean