I'm reading this book called "Experiencing God" concurrently with the Big Blue Book from Alcoholic's Anonymous. No, I'm not an alcoholic (and no, I'm not just saying that because I'm in denial). I'm reading it because a very close friend of mine recommended it as a life-path regardless of alcoholism, and since he is someone I look up to as much, much more evolved than myself on the spiritual path, I decided to give it a shot. Reading both of these books at the same time is a bit surreal, I must say. I read a chapter in each one when I sit down to read, and almost always, one sheds light on what the other says.
I have a very hard time dealing with anxiety, as do many women in my family lineage. Mine manifests itself in the most harrowing ways, and it's nearly consistent. It's almost like I have no rest emotionally. Whenever my cell phone rings, I immediately think it's bad news. Whenever I call a loved one and they don't answer, I think something must be wrong. I am inherently a person who does not have an easy time trusting others, so I constantly think something's going on behind my back. I can't shake it, it seems. Even when things are going really well in my life for a good amount of time (which rarely happens, hah!) that's when I am most anxious because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Getting that off my chest has been therapeutic in and of itself. My daughter calls my Spiritual Guru Friend (from paragraph one) my 'shrink'. He recently gave me the advice to just sit with my anxiety next time it occurs. Don't try to fight it, don't feed into it, just sit with it like a distraught child and see where it takes me. And let me tell you something, he's a genius. The few times this past week that the anxiety has crept in, I've done exactly that and after just a few short moments, it stops its pouting and stomping for attention and goes off somewhere else in my brain to amuse itself without bothering me. I'm not saying I expect this to happen every time, nor do I expect it to steer me away from a full blown anxiety attack when it is wont to occur, but it might. It just might.
I digress. In reading these two books at the same time, I'm noticing a constantly woven theme. The theme is faith. Faith in a Higher Power. Faith in God. Not just faith in name, but in action. I can't just say that I have faith that God's going to take care of things, and then sit around and worry that God's not going to take care of things. That makes me both a liar and a hypocrite simultaneously. And I greatly dislike liars and hypocrites, so I want no piece of that cheesecake, my friend.
This whole pressing 'fertility/infertility' issue I have -- it's a matter of faith, of trust. Am I going to believe God for what He's told me? He said to be fruitful and multiply. He said that children are a gift, a reward. He didn't ask for my human ingenuity -- He didn't say "I might not be able to take care of this alone, so you should look into adoption or IVF even though they're really expensive". He told me something, and I just have to believe it will happen in His time, and stop trying to force the issue. I have to live my life as though the baby will arrive any moment. I don't know if I'll get pregnant or if someone will ask me to take their baby or if the stork's going to drop one off, or what, but I'll get one. Both books, "Experiencing God" and the Big Blue Book, tell me that I'm not the one in charge. I have to accept my circumstances and see where God wants me working within them. Acceptance is the key to all of my problems today. See? It's like they're mirrors, reflecting one another in their wisdom.
Other things: I was told today that I don't have to try to make peace. The teller may be younger than me, but she sure had some good advice. I spend much of my life trying to make peace between people when most of the time it's not my problem. The problem I have with that, however, is that a lot of times the problems are between people I love and care about. When I see two people I love and care about not getting along, it hurts me. I want them to be closer. I want peace. I want kindness, and forgiveness, and compassion. The problem is, the only ability I have to make that happen is prayer. I can't force people's hands or hearts. I can only tell them what I think and then sit back and pray that they do the right thing. That goes for my friends, my family, and most of all, for God.
I cannot tell God what to do. I can tell Him what I want, though He already knows, and I can ask Him for things, but ultimately, He knows what is best for me. I can continue to ask for something again and again, but if He has something better in mind for me, why would I settle for the lesser thing that I want instead of the massive blessing He has in store for me?
Acceptance is the key. Right?
Now... I just have to accept that.