Sunday, March 6, 2011

Swiss Cheese

Has it really been since February 27th since I posted? That's pathetic. It sure seems like I've posted since then, but it occurs to me that that's probably because I keep sitting down trying to post and then remembering something else I have to do first, then not getting back to it. For instance, right now I should be showering, putting on clothes, doing laundry, and making something to eat. But darn it, I'm going to write to you fine people.

I'm throwing myself into finding writing jobs. Freelance, articles, newspapers, whatever. I need some extra income, and I'm tired of trying to find it in other ways like housecleaning or other part-time jobs. I was meant to write. If I don't look for writing, I won't find it. It's sneaky that way. I applied to an online freelance writing network, and had to take a test which included a fifteen minute writing sample. That was interesting. It was sort of like high school all over again -- standardized tests, panicky feeling of 'how much time do I have left?!', and 'Did I write THEN instead of THE?' after it's submitted. I should hear something this week, and if they accept my application and test, I'll be eligible to take writing jobs for them, and get paid pretty well it looks like. It sure would be nice to do something like that full time.

The weeks at work are beginning to meld together into one fearsome glom. (I don't care what spellchecker says, I'm using glom as a noun.) I'm plodding along, hoping something will occur to bring more business in, to pay our paychecks, to keep us from going under. I do my best to remain positive, but all I can think about is, "I need to have a back-up plan. I need to get in a better financial position somehow". And most of the time, I think, "God's going to take care of this" and it makes me feel better, but sometime in the middle of the night, right before I go to bed, that's when anxieties tend to suffocate me the most. They always have. It's like a breeding ground for fear: darkness, stillness, no distractions. That's when one thought leads to another, to another, to another, and suddenly, I'm drowning.

I've got to take some time out, and just relax. I have to stop thinking about work, money, pregnancy (or lack thereof), cleaning the house, making food, doing all these other things, and just... stop. I need to embrace the stillness in the night, not let it get to me. I need to use it for good, and not let the negative thoughts become fears, and the fears become incessantly chattering evil bugs that live in my brain. I need to breathe, to focus, to smile more and be frustrated less.

Lent is coming up. I have a good friend who is giving up negativity. I'm not sure I can go that far, though I admire her for her efforts. Can I give up anger? Can I give up yelling? Can I give up bitterness? Can I give up caffeine? Can I give up hope? (That one seems the most feasible to me, I must say!) Though it's not really a question of what I can give up, but more of a question of what is getting in my way of being what and who God wants me to be? What barriers am I putting up? What wall is there, waiting to be knocked down so He can come in and live? I have to identify my main obstacle and resign myself to putting it in its place. Its place is out of my life, so what is it I'm going to give up? (There's a big part of me that just wants to focus on Fat Tuesday, let me tell you. I'm thinking B-Dubs...)

This week needs to be about identifying my problem. Well, my main problem. I sure have a lot of them. Weaknesses, faults, flaws, whatnot. I have so many holes I feel like Swiss cheese.

For now, I'll start with putting some food on, throwing the laundry in the dryer, taking a hot bath and catching up on some reading.

Wish me the best, as I wish you the best.

Stephanie Jean

1 comment:

  1. You sound so much like me! It's at night when things get quiet that the fear of "how long can we tread water" just seems to always want to take me down! Wow, and there are the "if only"s. Why didn't I stay in college long enough to get a marketable skill? Why didn't I go back to college sooner. Yikes! And all this striving can't be good for me. Nor you.
    Hey, did you ever sell your house in Elkhart? If not, are you renting it to good renters? We may be looking to rent in Elkhart. I hate to leave here, but with gas going higher, it seems wise to move closer to work.