Tomorrow morning will mark the first day I will have put solid food in my mouth in a week. After fasting this long, I have to say a few things:
1. I never thought I could do it.
2. I have never felt more peaceful.
3. I did not realize I had so much willpower.
4. Not only is God listening, He's talking.
5. I am so flipping hungry I could skip work and spend the entire day at Old Country Buffet.
The clarity I was seeking, I have found. It's not a bunch of answers, only a peaceful sense that whatever the answers might be, I'll be taken care of. It's not a path set in stone, but one which becomes more and more visible each day. Sometimes I'm taking steps into the midst of a bog, sinking slightly, only to be buoyed up by others in my life - my husband, my parents, my sister, my kids. Sometimes the steps are on more firm and solid territory, sometimes barefoot in a meadow, sometimes smack towards crashing waves in my face. But almost all of the steps I'm taking are leading me in the right direction. It's NOT a path set in stone. And I appreciate that all the more. It makes me much more likely to stay on it.
Some other things have occurred to me:
1. Though I want a baby more than anything else, it gains me nothing to be envious of others. My tears should be tears of joy and not emptiness, for I've been given so many people to love and to nurture already. If and when the timing is right, God will give me more.
2. I am likely never going to have the amount of money it would take to stop working and live 'comfortably'. Like the serenity prayer I've been saying each day, I should be 'reasonably happy' in this life, and will be supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
3. I could never have imagined being as happy as I am right now ten years ago.
Thank you for accompanying me on this journey. Not just this recent one, but the whole thing: trying to make myself a better person, accomplish what I'm meant to in this life, etc. It really helps to know that there are people out there who care. It means a lot to me when I've not written in a few days and someone asks me why I haven't blogged! Thank you for listening, for being there, for caring. I am truly humbled by this.
Stephanie Jean
great job Steph! I'm really impressed. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat you are doing, including the fast, is quite amazing. Major props your way. I too am on a bit of a journey to be a better person by learning to live in the life I was given, let go of guilt and anger (which at times seems impossible) and to try to feel more at peace in my own skin. Reading your words is inspiring, so I thank you...
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