Saturday, January 29, 2011

Hold My Heart

It's time for a major confession.

It's been a really rough week for me. It's been a rough month, but this past week starting last Sunday and promenading right through today has been particularly forceful in its roughness. It went right past rowdy taunting into blatant sarcasm, and today it just sort of sent an unforeseen sucker-punch to my intestines.

That wasn't the major confession.

In the midst of my anguish, I sobbed the phrase: I $^@#&*# hate God.

Now THAT is a major confession.

I'm not proud of it. I don't have any good excuse for it besides the withering of my heart, the emotional knife that filleted through my soul long ago and has just been sort of rooting around in there with it's serrated edge, pulling at little strings now and then to see if it can get a rise out of me. I've been angry with God before, yes, who hasn't? I've been disappointed when my plans go awry, I've been jaded by years of what I felt was being ignored by Him, and I've been stubbornly upset when I've waited and waited and waited and waited and waited, and then tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to make something happen and it hasn't happened. I've ignored God before. I've spoken sternly to Him. I've yelled at Him from time to time.

I remember one point when Zachary was very young, and we were leaving church, and there was something he was arguing about with us in the van... something he wanted that we wouldn't give him, or whatever it was. He was sobbing and angry and he muttered, "I hate you guys." Something a parent never wants to hear. Because we're only keeping their best interest in mind by not letting them have what they want right then, right?

So how is it that I, as a human being, can know that fully, but when my Father hasn't given me something I've tried to get myself, that I've begged Him for, that I've asked Him for repeatedly for years... how is it that I, a parent myself, can't understand the need for patience? How is it that I, who am logically writing this at the moment, can be the same person who uttered that statement earlier today?

Because we all fail.

I failed miserably. As an adult woman, but also as a child -- HIS child. I've asked His forgiveness a hundred times today since that point, and I'm sure I have it. I know it didn't change anything. It was just a temper tantrum, really. The six-year-old little girl inside of me not getting what she wanted, tortured by an envious, covetous heart. (I know my failures. I can list them to you alphabetically or chronologically if you'd like.)

This link will take you to a song that perfectly describes the way I feel today. I am so utterly weary. But I know there is a God, and I know He is good. He is nothing but good. He's good like a parent who throws you out of the way of a moving bus. It might hurt really badly right now, but you should be glad you didn't get hit by the bus that was coming.

Here's hoping next week gets a little better. God knows it can't get much worse.

Stephanie Jean


  1. My dearest heart,
    Here's one of my favorite passages from the book "Alcoholics Anonymous":

    "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

    Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

    Here's a link to a post that includes the above, as well as the author's experience with Acceptance.

    I'm finding for myself that the greater acceptance I have in my life (with the provisos mentioned in the blog above) the greater my peace and serenity is. (I use the singular verb because for me 'peace and serenity' kind of go together. :>)

    I don't believe in God per se (I certainly believe that a Power exists greater than myself,) but I say this for you - it's another one of AA's sayings:

    Let Go And Let God.


  2. Thank you for that, Bill. You are my guru, and I'm not a bit flippant or sarcastic when I say that. I've never met another person that I feel is as enlightened as you. What you call a Power, I call God, and you are so right... I am neither a Power nor a God, and I have to accept things as they are. You are the calm voice of reason, and I adore you for it every time.

    Miss you,

  3. You are such a love to say these nice things. Truly, I know only a little, but my heart is open to the journey of learning... and I know yours is too. It's taken me my whole life to learn what little of Acceptance I do know, although I'm still far from practicing it perfectly. And yet, somehow it seems to have been enough... and I manage to live in peace and serenity most of the time because I continue to be open to the Universe.

    Of course, I still feel doubts, fears, angers, and all the other emotions we characterize as 'negative', but as I've pursued proper Acceptance I find I live in these emotions much less than I used to. Instead, I go to Acceptance, and I find calm.

    Dear heart, pursue proper Acceptance calmly but purposefully with a single mind. Never let the thought of Acceptance be far from your uppermost consciousness... breath it in and out like a mantra, especially in times of doubt or trouble, and you will find your way.

    I send you my love...