Thursday, April 15, 2010

Buoyant

HOLD MY HEART - TENTH AVENUE NORTH

How long must I pray
Must I pray to You?
How long must I wait
Must I wait for you?
How long ‘til I see your face
See you shining through

I'm on my knees
Begging you to notice me
I'm on my knees
Father, will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life -- that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If you're everything you say you are
Would you come close and hold my heart?

I've been so afraid -- afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there's no other way
I'm done asking why

I'm on my knees
Begging you to turn to me
I'm on my knees,
Father, will you run to me?

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can't see but I'll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

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One of my friends asked me today how, after almost six years of trying to get pregnant and not a single success, I don't get angry at my pregnant friends, or at God.

This song immediately popped into my head. (If you didn't notice, there's a link to the song up there... click on it and just listen.) The first time I heard it, I sobbed. I was driving, of course, so that was a bit dangerous, but it just described perfectly the feeling I have inside. The longing. The ache. The emotional injustice. The numbness. The emptiness. The overwhelming pangs of failure. The soul-wrenching fear that it will never, ever happen when it's the one thing I want more than almost anything in the world.

Am I angry at God? No. I know He's there, and I know He cares about what I'm feeling. I also know that if, and when, I am meant to give birth, it will be in His time, not in mine. I'll admit I'll be more than a bit agitated if I reach menopause and spent forty years barren (simply because I'll want a refund on all of the birth control and feminine hygiene products I purchased over the years and I know I won't get it). But seriously -- I've had almost every test in the book and there's nothing wrong with me, and there's nothing wrong with my husband. Therefore, I have to trust in the bigger picture. If it's meant to be, it will be. No, that's not easy to say, even now, after all these years of practicing the words. Yes, I put on a happy face from time to time when I really want to just scream and beat my head against a wall, but not always. Most of the time I am ecstatic for my friends and want nothing more than their happiness (and apparent fruitfulness as well). I just have to keep my head above water. What good does it do me to drown in self-pity? I did that for awhile. It didn't help me to get pregnant, either.

As much as I want to get out of this house and read in the hot sun for the second day in a row, the plumber is supposed to be showing up at some point and I don't want him to be attacked by the menacing lickiness of our dogs. I might just sit out on our deck and read for a bit before everyone gets home. I cleaned two houses today, did all of our grocery shopping, and started some laundry which I hope finished rinsing quickly so that it doesn't sit there when the plumber turns the water off.

I'm almost finished with two more books, and I think I'm going to go grab "Let the Right One In" so I can peruse it to decide if I really want to tackle that next.

Thanks for listening. This was a rough one to write today.

SJS

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