A New Outlook

Here it is.

2010.

A stampede of science fiction tramples through my brain at the moment, but I’m leaving it alone to deal with reality. It’s snowy and cold outside, but my house is 72 degrees, there’s a roof over my head, food in my fridge, I have a wonderful husband and three awesome kids. I couldn’t be more blessed.

I’m weary of seeing the world through the typical eyes of “I’m not getting what I want”. This year, I’m attempting to see it through the eyes of “Thank God I’ve got what I’ve got!”

At 32 years old, there are things I know I want, but don’t know why I want them. There are places I want to go, but I’m not really sure what I’ll do if I ever get there. There are things I’m certain I want to experience, but am completely uncertain as to why. The overall theme is that I don’t really know what I want out of life.

And it doesn’t matter.

It’s not about what I want, it’s about what God wants for me. I want a baby more than almost anything in the world for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint other than the cliche of the biological clock. But I’m not pregnant after trying for over five years, and there’s got to be a reason for it that I don’t, and won’t, understand. So, I’ve just got to give it over.

I want desperately to have a best-selling book of some sort. I’ve written something new, something different, something I felt pressed to write. I’ve finished it, sent it in, and so far have been rejected from two publishers so far. I’m not giving up — I’m just giving it over.

This year, each day is going to have to be an attempt at giving it over. I can’t do anything myself — I can only do what God’s enabled me to do.

I’m ready. I’m willing. I’m open. I’m embracing the challenge.

I’m giving it over — to God. He’s bound to make a better life for me than I could’ve made for myself.

Happy New Year.