Moving Right Along

I finished "A Three Dog Life" today. I love lazy days where I can just read and relax. Took a nice, hot rose-petal scented bubble bath, too. I could live in a hot bubble bath. I no longer care when I start to look like a prune. It used to bother me when I was little and stayed in the bath too long, but these days I'd rather be a prune than the alternative!

One of the quotes in this book particularly struck me. Abigail Thomas writes: "When I was young, the future was where all the good stuff was kept, the party clothes, the pretty china, the family silver, the grown-up jobs. The future was a land of its own, and we couldn't wait to get there. Not that youth wasn't great, but it came with disadvantages. I remember the feeling I was missing something really good that was going on somewhere else, somewhere I wasn't. I remember feeling life passing me by. I remember impatience. I don't feel that way now. If something interesting is going on somewhere else, good, thank god, I hope nobody calls me. Sometimes it's all I can do to brush my teeth, toothpaste is just too stimulating."

I loved this! I read it four times, I loved it so much. Because it really describes how I've been my whole life. I've always had this back-of-my-mind feeling that, while I might be all right where I was right now, I couldn't wait until X amount of time into the future when ______ would happen. When I was in elementary school, I would think how great it would be when I was older like my brother and in high school and could hang out with him and his cool friends. (I didn't do the math at that age to realize that there would never be a time when my brother and I were in high school together... he is almost seven years older than me!) When I was finally in high school, I couldn't wait to get out of the house, out on my own, perhaps to a college somewhere, or on a mission to some other country. When I was in college, I despised the struggle to work almost full time, go to classes full time, rarely see my family, and not be able to get married until after I graduated to the "love of my life". When I graduated and got married, I was miserable and couldn't wait until our divorce was final so I could figure out who I really was. And the cycle continued. Right now, happily re-married and living in Middlebury, Indiana with our three kids and two dogs working at jobs we're lucky to have in Elkhart county where the unemployment rate lingers between 18-20% most of the time, I can't help feeling like I was made to live in a bigger city where I don't have to slow down to 10mph to avoid slamming into a horse and buggy, and where I can order a pizza at 3:16am if I so choose.

It's not an overwhelming unease, it's not a 9.2 on the "I hate my life" scale. It's just a nagging in the back of my mind. The nagging is smaller than it used to be. Perhaps because I am happier now than I ever have been. But I still think from time to time, "I can't wait until I give birth someday" and "I can't wait until we move to Las Vegas." The difference is, these days I can enjoy the moment, too. It's not a debilitating I-wish-I-were-anywhere-but-this-point-in-my-life sort of thing like it used to be. It's more of a building-towards-the-future-without-ruining-the-present sort of thing. And I guess that makes me feel a little more grown up than I used to be. My priorities are more straightened out. My life is less centered around what's going to make me happy, and more about what the other people in my life need. I still have plenty of 'me' time, or at least enough of it. But the truth is, I'd rather have more time with the people I love than time to myself. Which is why I'm home with my family when they're all watching football instead of getting all dolled up to sing karaoke until 2am. My life is boring when it's all about me. And I know, at this point in my life, that sooner or later, I'm going to miss these days.

Trace Adkins "You're Gonna Miss This" describes it perfectly:

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Here's to 2010. Here's to where I am RIGHT NOW, with my husband, our kids, our dogs, our Midwest subdivision house in Amish country, our blue collar jobs, and our on-their-last-legs vehicles. Here's to true, unconditional love. Here's to my friends and family, who believe in me and love me, and to me believing in and loving them right back. Here's to living in the moment while planning for the future. And here's to each and every one of you, being who you are, where you are, with who you're with, and doing what you're doing.

Live it up.

SJS