In the Name of Love

It's been about three years of silence from me, hasn't it? 

Part of me wants to tell you everything that's happened in those three years, including viewpoints on the pandemic and culminating with the fact that my miracle baby just finished Kindergarten. But the rest of me knows I have bigger things on my heart right now.

It's Pride Month. As a cisgender bisexual woman in a monogamous relationship with the same man for 19 years, I'm considered more an ally these days than anything falling on the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, but I *am* there. I've heard all the same lies about 'going to hell' and 'living in sin' and 'abomination' that you have, and I'm not buying it. Do you know why I'm not buying it? 

Because it's bullshit.

Oh, hey, I said a bad word! Not used to that on my blog, right? Well, I'm tired of pandering and I'm tired of hiding anything at all about who I am. I'm an ordained minister (yeah, it was online) and a child of God just like you. I drink and I swear. I've broken most of the commandments in the past and I still do on occasion. I sin. We all do. But BEING WHO YOU ARE and LOVING WHO YOU LOVE is not a sin. It never was. It never will be. And if you disagree, I feel sorry for you because it means that you are waving around a bible you have likely been spoon-fed to believe says things it doesn't really say.

You can pull any verse out of the bible that you want to try and justify your bigotry, but the underlying premise is the same: nothing in the bible condemns homosexuality in a loving, consenting relationship. Every verse you choose was written about pedophilia, rape, and sex slavery. 

"But, even the New Testament condemns homosexuals."

Nope:

"The Greek words “arsen” and “koiten” were used to describe events 1,600 years before Paul and those events always related to some form of pedophilia or abuse. In Biblical times, same-sex behaviour was primarily perceived as happening between adult men and adolescent boys (masters and servants), via prostitution, and by men who were already married to women. This means Paul was condemning the use of power for abusive purposes, any and all excess lust, and prostitution. From this we can infer that the concept of Arsenokoitai is sexual and economic exploitation, and thus there is no way we can relate these verses to the committed, loving, consensual same-gender relationships we see today." (RWUC.org)

"Well, what about Sodom and Gomorrah? The men wanted to have gay sex with the angels so God destroyed the city."

Nope:

The men wanted to rape the angels. The angels were not consenting to this. (I do find it odd that none of you have a problem with the fact that Lot said "Here, rape my daughters instead.") Why were these cities destroyed if not for 'homosexuality'? "Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters were arrogant, overfed, and unconcerned. They did not help the poor and needy. They were haughty and did detestable things before me. Therefore, I did away with them as you have seen." -Ezekiel 16:49-50 Hmm... arrogance and apathy and not helping those in need. 

"Well, it's still a sin but if you just live a celibate life you can still go to Heaven."

Nope. Not a sin. Not even if you believe it was a sin in the Old Testament (which it wasn't.):

"Therefore, there is now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death." -Romans 8:1-2

Listen, it's not enough to believe that God loves the LGBTQIA+ community, because that's obvious. He loves us all. You need to understand that God CREATED lesbians, gay men, bisexual and pansexual people. He created transgender and nonbinary humans. He created the entire Queer rainbow just like He created straight white men. He created us on purpose, with different people to love and different ways to love them. He didn't create people who later 'chose to be' these things. He created us exactly the way we are.

Being a part of this community isn't a choice. It isn't a trend like parachute pants or bell bottoms. It's who we are. It's who we were born to be. It's who God made us to be. So let me speak to anyone else who falls on this spectrum:

YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made by your Creator, knit together in your mother's womb, to be exactly this way. You're not sinning by loving who you love, you're embracing the God-given identity you were born with. You will hear thousands of voices shouting against these very words, hypocrites and modern-day pharisees who think they know best because they've been told what to believe, or haven't bothered to do any research beyond the cherry-picked verses they use to validate their own discomfort and prejudices. You will hear voices that are angry, disgusted, distraught, maybe even sad ... but what you wont often hear is the voice of truth on your side, so I'm chiming in with God to say these things that you need to know. Live this truth. Be yourself. If someone condemns you for it, pray for them because they're the ones with the problem -- not you.

"But the voice of truth tells me a different story; the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid'. The voice of truth says 'this is for my glory.' Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth." -Casting Crowns

Oh, how I expect a lot of flak for this post. But guess what? I couldn't possibly care less.

-Stephanie Jean

In Passing

Just a couple of words, but so much happens in the midst of them. 

Things happen 'in passing' all the time. Miniature conversations, little mentions of events or people, coincidental meetings. But those connections are what make the world go around. 

Sure, we have plans. On the surface, it looks like my life is chaotic, but it's very organized in actuality. I have a day planner and a white board. If it's not in the day planner or on the white board, I will not remember it because I have so many things going on. Between a toddler, a college student, two other adult children, a husband who works and goes to school, and my own main job plus freelance jobs... and don't forget extended family, play dates, being on the board of a non-profit organization, and my theatre connections... there are times I need to schedule potty breaks. For myself.

But the thing that fascinates me the most is what happens 'in passing'. On my way to the post office, I will bump into an old friend in the parking lot and catch up. In the three minute conversation, I will have several moments of the overwhelming feeling that they needed me there at that very moment for some reason, whether or not it is apparent. While waiting for a dental appointment, someone else will leave the office and see me there -- a person I don't even know, but they know me from being on stage in a performance a few years back. A short chat will ensue, in which they tell me about their recently deceased husband, and I get a chance to comfort them. 

Then, things happen later. Pieces fall into place here and there. I get the sense that it wasn't by accident. That person calls me up the next day. "You don't know how much I needed to hear what you had to say yesterday," they might say. I don't even remember what I said that might have made an impression on them, but I roll with it. 

Because, you see, it's not my words that make a difference. It's something, or more specifically, Someone, speaking through me. Definitely not all the time. I'm the first to admit I have a hard time controlling my tongue. I say things I shouldn't constantly. Believe me, when you have a toddler that repeats everything, you notice really quickly what you sound like to other people! 

I worked a horrible, horrible job for a horrible, horrible boss for awhile and it was during that time that I realized just what I wanted my legacy to be. The ONE good thing this horrible, horrible boss did was to sit us all down at a table and have us write what we would want said about us in a eulogy one day. While everyone else at the table spoke of work aspirations and things they'd like to achieve, I felt confident in what I had written in bold pen: God's words through her changed my life.

I quit the job shortly thereafter because I could not grow in that toxic atmosphere into the person my heart yearned to be.

I remembered telling my horrible, horrible boss in passing during a particular confrontation that my priorities were, and always would remain, God first, Family second, and Career at a distant third. Later, I meditated on what I had said in passing -- and realized that those weren't my words, either, but they were most definitely the words I would live by for the rest of my life.

Nothing we say, nothing we do, nothing we impart to others, should ever be thought of as unimportant. Whether it's on purpose or in passing, it matters. WE matter. The person you are and the person you're talking to. The person who overhears you, who goes back home and changes their life because of what they heard you say to someone else. You don't need to rehearse. Be yourself ... but be mindful that it all matters.

"Everything counts in large amounts." -- Depeche Mode

--Stephanie Jean

From Philia to Agape - There's Love and There's LOVE

*Warning* I may rarely use the word or post about it these days, but I'm (gulp) Christian. This is a near transcript of the most recent message I gave, and I felt pressed to post it on my blog this week. HOWEVER - DO NOT FEAR! You have not reached a Christian blog, or a Fire and Brimstone Website. You have reached an inspirational website that sporadically posts about Jesus because ... well... I'm Stephanie, and I'm a Christian. ("Hi, Stephanie...")

John 13:34-35 – A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples: that you love one another.

It’s the season of love – Valentine’s Day is here, where we eat too much candy, spend too much on dinner, buy greeting cards for approximately $10 apiece these days, spend fifty bucks on flowers that will die within a week, and celebrate in the name of what we call “love”.

Do I sound like a little bit of a curmudgeon? A little critical? Maybe. As many little girls did, I grew up seeing love through the eyes of Walt Disney, where everybody got what they wanted and lived happily ever after, there was a prince out there for every princess, and love always won in the end.

That’s not necessarily the case in the real world we live in right now. I suppose I should have figured that out right about the same time I figured out that woodland creatures weren’t going to talk to me or do my household chores.

The divorce rate stands at right around 50%, give or take. And before you get all holier-than-thou, you might be surprised to find out that the divorce rate of Christian couples is the same: 50%. That means for every two weddings we go to, one of those couples will statistically be divorced at some point down the line. My own first marriage ended in divorce after just two years married, and I was pretty jaded about that for awhile.

I spent a long time trying to fill that empty hole where love should have been. I didn’t trust men, or marriage, or even relationships for that matter. I was young and thought the world owed me happiness. I had left the church for over six years at that point in my life and clearly did not trust God to take care of this problem either. I wouldn’t even have been able to tell you that there was a God. I was alone. In my mind, I was alone.

Loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the world. It’s mixed with so many other emotions: depression, helplessness, sadness, sometimes anger. And when people are lonely, when they feel ‘alone’, they make choices they would not otherwise make.

Let me give you an example of a girl named Cassie. This isn’t her real name. But I met Cassie by chance a few weeks back. I’ve been trying to organize my house and get rid of things I don’t need since the beginning of the year, so I’ve been putting items up for sale online, mostly on the Facebook marketplace because it’s so easy to use. I had a small recliner for sale for twenty dollars, and she messaged me asking if she could come that night, on a Sunday, to buy it. I said sure, and awaited her arrival. I started loading, and then my neighbor and Cassie's friend finished loaded the recliner into the back of her van, and it was heavy and took quite awhile, and while we didn’t have the fourteen inches of snow we have now, it WAS very cold. And Cassie waited until that point to pull out her checkbook.

This was a red flag. Everybody that uses this online network to buy and sell knows that we are supposed to bring and accept only cash. But I certainly didn’t want to unload the recliner and have her come back again with cash. It was cold, and like I said, it had taken a long time. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and let her write me a check. She put her phone number on the top, too, so I felt safer, and she said, right before she pulled away, to wait until 4 pm the next day before I cashed it. As she drove off, I had an uncomfortable feeling that I had been duped, but I thought – you know, I am just not a very trusting person and I need to get over that.

I waited two days before I cashed Cassie’s check, took the twenty dollars, and got a few groceries. A few days after that, I got a notice from my bank that the check had not cleared, so they were deducting the $20 from my account – AND a $10 check fee. It was not because the check bounced. It was because the account it had been written from was a closed account. Cassie did not accidentally bounce a check. Cassie, on purpose, scammed me out of twenty dollars and cost me another ten in addition to that.

Well, I was pretty upset about this, of course. So I did the only logical thing and called Cassie’s number that she had written on the check to tell her what happened and ask her to meet me with the cash. And this may surprise you… because it surprised me… because I wasn’t thinking… but the phone number WAS NOT A REAL NUMBER. It was a closed phone account. Because, you see, Cassie did ALL of this on purpose.

Not having the ability to call her, I got back on Facebook to find her, and looked up some things on her page. I read a bit about her and found out that she was looking to get closer to God, and felt like she was running and was very tired. These were vague things she said, but it troubled me. I was still angry, but I tried to maintain my cool, and sent her a message to please make things right and give me the money back. She did not respond.

I posted her name on the Facebook Marketplace to warn people not to take a check from her, lest they also be scammed. And THEN things really took off. I received private messages from other people telling me they had also been scammed, or she had written bad checks to their business; I even got a message from a local prosecutor telling me to call the office because they had her name on a bad check list and could give me information. Someone else gave me her place of employment. Someone else gave me her actual address! Bombarded with all of this information, I didn’t know what to do, and so I prayed.

Then Cassie called me from a different phone number. I wasn’t home at the time and she said she was at my house and wanted to make it right, she would pay me thirty dollars to make up for it in cash. She said she would leave it at my house. I thanked her and took down the message from the internet, thinking it was all over. I texted my neighbor and asked her to grab the money from the mailbox just in case anyone found it and took it. In the two minutes between Cassie leaving the money and my neighbor going to pick it up… it miraculously wasn’t there! WHAT? I HAD BEEN DUPED AGAIN! Fool me once, shame on  you… fool me twice, and NOW I AM REALLLLLLY MAD! I called Cassie again and she said, okay, if you can wait until Friday I’ll give you forty dollars (which was tempting, because the entire purpose of this was that I needed money...) 

Now I had a choice. I could be fooled a third time, or I could stand my ground. “Cassie, no,” I said. “You did this on purpose. You didn’t bounce a check, you wrote it from a closed account. That’s illegal. I could turn you in. But I’m not going to do that because I think you want to do the right thing. I don’t want forty dollars, I just want the thirty you owe me. I need it tonight or I’m going to have to turn you in. You’ve done this to a lot of people, it’s not just me, and you know it isn’t right.” There was silence and then she sighed and said, “okay”. An hour later, there was thirty dollars in my mailbox in cash.

The story could end there. This sounds like I got what I wanted. But a verse would not leave me alone. It was haunting me.

2 Peter 1:5-7 says: Make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, virtue with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with steadfastness, steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love.

It’s a process. So often, when we hear Jesus command us to love one another as He loved us, we think it can’t be done. Or else we think we’re failing because we can’t live up to that kind of a love, a love that would die for us. And DID die for us. We’re supposed to love one another as he loved us? Turn the other cheek to the point of death? How do we do that? How is that even possible?

But see, we don’t just start off with love. Did you know there are different types of love? Different words for love? In Ancient Greek, “Philia” means brotherly love, a term of affection. This is why Philadelphia is called City of Brotherly Love, it’s from that root 'Philia'. It’s a mutual kind of affection, so you typically have friends that love each other with this kind of love, not just one person who loves another that way without it being requited. The love that the disciples had for each other, that we have for each other as disciples, as Christians, it’s considered 'Philia' – a brotherly love. But the love of God for man and man for God is considered Agape love. It is the highest form of love, and this is the love to which we aspire – the love to bring all loves together. It embraces a universal, unconditional love that transcends and persists regardless of circumstance.

This is the love that 2 Peter 1:5-7 is building toward. This is the love that I needed to show to Cassie. And man, was it hard. And I’m a minister. But I was SO angry, and I felt so stupid, that I almost couldn’t do it.

Then I remember that emptiness that I had once felt, when I thought that love wasn’t real, that loneliness I felt when I thought there was no God. And I remembered Cassie’s words on her own page, about how she was feeling empty and tired of running, and wanted to be closer to God.

I exercised my self-control. I had faith, I had knowledge, I knew the Godly thing to do. I knew how I would treat a friend, with brotherly love… with Philia. But this was the final step. She had wronged me. I needed this love to be the love that Jesus called us to in John 13, that he commanded us to love with. This needed to be Agape love – unconditional regardless of the circumstance.

I sent her a message and said, “I’m not turning you in. I really appreciate that you did the right thing and paid me back. I see that you want to get closer with God, and I can help you with that if you want. I’m a minister, so it turns out you tried to scam the right person this time. Let me know if you want to talk.”

In the past two weeks, we have chatted back and forth a number of times, talked about her background, about her fears, and, most recently, she asked me for the number of a domestic abuse shelter locally. Cassie was more in need of help than anyone could have imagined, and God put her in my life for a reason, and me into hers.

When we think of love, we think of the ones we get along with, that we want to be with. We think of our spouse, our children, our parents perhaps, our friends, our Jesus. But God is, day by day, putting other people in our life that we need to take steps to reach. We need to take steps in our own life,  in our own abilities to love others without judgment, so that we can help them get to know the kind of love we know. The Agape love of the Father for each of us. He has that same love for everyone. He loves Cassie, in all her emptiness and mess, just as much as He loves you and me.

Jesus told a parable once about two people who had been forgiven a debt – when he’s in the house of Simon, and the woman is anointing his feet with oil and tears, and Simon is disgusted because the woman is a sinner. Jesus says in Luke 7, “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender – One owed 500 denarii and one owed 50. Neither had the money to pay him back, so he forgave both debts. Now which one will love him more? Simon replied, I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven. You have judged correctly, said Jesus.” This woman was a sinner, but God loved her as much as he loved Simon. The woman, however, would end up loving God more because of all of the lavish love and forgiveness he gave her, which she did not receive from others.

I can’t help but wonder what Cassie’s life is going to be like when she realizes that she’s not empty and lost, but that she is lavished with love by the Creator of the Universe, our Father God, and that He sent His son Jesus Christ to die for her.

I know how my life changed when I found True Love. His Love. His Agape Love.

THIS is the greatest of all commandments, and THIS is what we’re to be known for. THIS is how Jesus said that people will know that we are His disciples. It’s easy to love people who love us back. It’s easy to forgive people we know care about us. But it’s our CALLING to love everyone else, too.

Stephanie Jean

Backstage

I had the pleasure of writing a feature-length article on a community theatre for a local magazine, and it inspired me to think about how much I love theatre once again. I have my mother to thank for this, as she took me to see traveling Broadway shows like Hair at age 12 (yes, they were naked; no, I didn't freak out) and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at age 14 or so (yes, the one with Donny Osmond; no, I didn't get to see him because it was his understudy that night.) I've been told so often in my life what a performer I was as a child, and I see that same reflection in the little clone I gave birth to a couple of years ago. It's funny, though, that in the past decade and a half since I was on a real stage for the first time, I've become much more comfortable -- and joyful -- behind the scenes.

If you knew me in high school, I was awkward both socially and in the looks department, so I tended to stick with people I trusted not to make fun of me. (I think there were like, three of them.) I took Theatre Arts my freshman year and would have taken four years of it if they hadn't pulled it from the curriculum immediately after I fell in love with it. On the stage, I could be someone else. It was okay for people to look at me, because I wasn't "me". I was a particular character. If I screwed something up, I could play it off as though it were on purpose. But being in front of a crowd as Stephanie was, and is yet, highly uncomfortable for me.

The following year, I joined choir. I was myself, yes... but in a sea of people, so it was still safe to be on stage. Since there were voices much better than mine, I didn't get a solo until my senior year, and the fears that ravaged me then are the same ones that ravage me now whenever I stand as myself in front of a large group of people who are all looking to me to entertain them, educate them, or inspire them. Yet:

I've been a teacher at both the high school and college levels.
I am a minister, giving messages at least once a month.
I sing -- it's rare these days, but it still happens upon occasion.

However, I get the most happiness out of what I do in the background. As a director in theatre, as a writer on this blog for my ministry, and as a mentor to students overseas who will likely never see my face a single time in their lives. I like this because I've come to the conclusion that MY life... is not about me.

Helping others to reach their potential is the reason I'm on this Earth. Sure, I have dreams and aspirations of my own... but they mostly have that common thread. The book I want to write? It's to help others learn to love themselves and to love other people. The child I gave birth to? It's to be able to help him grow into a good human being from the moment of his very first breath. The man I married? It's to help him achieve his highest calling in life. I've been given the ability to encourage and support up to 25 high school students a year from a completely different country while teaching them necessary skills for college in the United States. It's not about me. It's about the One who placed me where He placed me, and the people into whose lives I have been woven by Him.

I used to want to be famous. This was because I figured if I were famous, people would have to like me. Now, I couldn't possibly care less if people like me or not. I have a life to live, a purpose to fulfill, a journey to trek. Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate the world and everything in it. Some days I'm full of joy and ambition. Some days I don't want to get out of bed. But every day, I learn something new, experience something new, grow a little bit, and find the strength to keep on moving.

Contrary to the Hokey Pokey lyrics, THAT'S actually what it's all about.

Stephanie Jean

Waxing and Waning

My mother instilled within me a deep love for the night sky. We would walk outside in the dark, looking up at meteor showers, constellations, the deep blue-black of the heavens. Sometimes we would sit on a blanket, other times we'd camp out on the upper deck of our house with her gigantic telescope. But, oh... then there was the moon! All of the phases it went through, blue moons, blood moons, the corona around the moon, the man on the moon, the craters, the reflection of light from the sun, the moon landing, the tides -- so very many stories from just one white circle (or sliver) in the sky.

It occurred to me recently that the moon isn't the only thing that waxes and wanes. I recently posted on Facebook that my faith in humanity waxes and wanes on a daily basis. I'm nothing more than an observer in certain situations -- hearing news of mass murders, of rape, of children being neglected and abused. I feel my soul, like the moon, waning away from other humans, wanting to crawl into a little sliver and then disappear from the planet completely. Then I see marches where people stand up for themselves and for one another, love winning out, outrageous generosity, and my emotional moon waxes, swells to full in pride and in faith. Other times, it's a personal affront, being scammed out of money, or having someone talk about me behind my back... or a personal victory like getting a raise or accomplishing a goal.

What is it about this journey of life that constantly makes it worth getting up each day, plugging away at the grind that emerges every 24 hours, just to blink some sleep and start all over the next?

Maybe it's your faith. Maybe it's your family. Maybe it's your friends, your cat, your determination, your persistent warrior spirit, your curiosity, your incredible sense of adventure.

Whatever it is, I encourage you to keep getting up. Out of bed, off the ground, back on the horse. This is the most spectacular ride you've ever been on. And even when you feel like the world is collapsing around you and it's not worth it, I assure you -- it is. It IS worth it. You have a purpose, even if you haven't figured it out yet.

Bundle up tonight and go stand beneath the moon. Just look at it. Witness how majestic it is, how something so still can be doing so much just by BEING THERE.

Then, realize, you are the same. You are the moon. You can reflect the light of Another, you can influence, you can be still while accomplishing so, so much. Even if nobody takes the time to look at you, you can be there.

Stephanie Jean

Be Still

My life is a non-stop whirlwind of toddler, dogs, husband, older children, parents, siblings, work, cleaning, errands, bills, and so much more. We revel in our busy-ness, don't we? "I can't, I'm busy" seems to be the drumbeat of the millennium. It astounds me that we have all of these time-savers like laptops and smartphones and microwaves and cars, and yet we still cry out, "I don't have time for that!" Whatever 'that' might be...

But oh, isn't it usually something we need? Something we crave? We don't have time to read a book, or sit and watch the birds. We don't have time to sit and play because we have to X, Y, and Z.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

"But, I don't have time for that!" I say.

There is NOTHING I need more, though. I'm sitting in a beautiful moment right now, alone in the house but for sleeping dogs and a sleeping child. A thousand things drift -- no, jog with maddening speed -- through my mind that I should be doing right now. Checking things off my to-do list, working on articles that aren't even due for two months, or immediately jumping on the two essays in my inbox that came in today even though I have a five day response window... but do you know what I did?

I read three chapters of a book in a hot bubble bath. I prayed. I wrote to my sister. And right now? I'm going to shut everything down, and I'm going to be still.

Try it.

You won't be disappointed.

-Stephanie Jean

Progress

Now that I'm 40 and all grown up (hah), I'm trying to get a better grip on my time. I've always been fairly good with time management, but over the last couple of years it's become progressively more difficult, which may or may not have anything to do with the demanding TIC (Toddler In Charge). But when one aspires to write a bestselling book while simultaneously advocating for social justice and debunking archaic and ill-informed conservative viewpoints on the LGBTQ+ community, one needs to get a better grip on time management.

One of the things I need to do to make this happen is to make myself accountable to you fine people. If I write about it, you expect it. If you expect it, I need to make it happen because I am a woman of my word. (Those of you who knew me in a past life, I was not always this woman. But I am now. Promise.)

And so, I blog! VIVA LA BLOG! It pains me to look back upon my archives to see how loftily I started and how far I fell, judging by the number of blog posts per year. Last year was six, by the way. Pathetique! But, day by day, I'm writing what I need to do in my day planner and praying for the strength and endurance to make it happen, even when Cranky McGrumpyface won't sleep for fourteen hours. (He's super cute, though, don't get me wrong.)

If you pray, please do that for me. If you're a good-viber, a pleasant-thoughter, or anything else positive, I'll take that, too. I have a message I need to get out of my heart and onto paper and it actually IS a matter of life and death for some. I believe in God, and I believe this is my purpose. So, if you see me online, feel free to say, "HEY. How's that book going? And what are you doing on social media?"

Thanks for that. I appreciate it. Now, go love one another. Because, contrary to the Hokey Pokey lyrics, THAT is what it's actually all about.

Until next time,
Stephanie Jean